Gentleness & Respect: Scriptural Strategies for Respectful Discussion

by Terry Defoe, Garth Huber, and Brian Wonnick

Controversial topics in life are many and the list is long: global warming, science and faith, abortion, medically assisted suicide, politics, and more. The number of controversial subjects seems to be growing while, at the same time, civility is on the wane. Without giving it much thought, Christians often choose sides, and individuals talk past each other. When conversations are handled poorly, polarization and division increase. On the other hand, when conversations are handled well—and for Christians, that means handled scripturally—even though divisions may remain, relationships are maintained and understanding increases. It seems that the more controversial a subject, the less likely it is to be discussed respectfully.

In the book of Ephesians, the Apostle Paul encourages Christians to speak the truth in love (4:15). The Apostle Peter concurs, saying that when we as God’s people share information about our faith—or anything else for that matter—we are to do so with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15).

Imagine a conversation where a controversial topic is raised and a point of view is expressed diametrically opposed to your own. What are your options? Which emotions are stirred up? Are you willing to pursue the conversation? Are you willing to share your own views? If so, how will you do that? Whether in church or in the wider society, we appreciate helpful (and scriptural) guidelines for establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. We seek respect and reconciliation.

Consider these thoughts:

• We value relationships and want to do our best to maintain and strengthen them.

• We seek the truth and want to express it clearly and concisely. And, as Christians, we want to do this in love, remembering the admonitions in 1 Corinthians 13.

• We want to put into practice Martin Luther’s advice, found in the Small Catechism, that, with God’s help, we speak well of our neighbour, and put the best construction on things (Explanation of the 8th Commandment).

• We need to remember that, at the end of the day, the Holy Spirit leads into all truth (John 16:13).

Most people handle the discussion of hot topics in characteristic ways, often responding quickly without giving their response much thought. Some avoid the subject altogether. Others jump right in and forcefully express their views, but wonder on further reflection, if that approach is counterproductive. The Book of Acts recounts a visit of the Apostle Paul to Athens (17:16-34). After he arrived, he had some free time on his hands so he played tourist, wandering around the city, soaking up its culture. Paul wanted to learn as much as he could about Athens and its history. And what he learned, he filed away for later reference.

Note the practical guidelines for respectful discussion found in this chapter of God’s Word:

• In verse 17, we are told that Paul “reasoned in the synagogue.” Dialogue is preferable to debate.

• In verse 18, some in the crowd labeled Paul a “babbler.” Others said, “He seems to be advocating foreign gods.” Paul remained calm.

• In verse 19, we find the respectful statement addressed to Paul, “May we know what this new teaching is…?” It is clear that Paul’s audience was now engaged in the subject. They wanted to know more.

• Paul commented, “I perceive that in every way you are very religious” (verse 22). Note that Paul was able to make this respectful observation based on the information about the city and its culture he had gained on his walkabout earlier.

• Paul piqued his listeners’ interest by referring to “some of your own poets” (verse 28). He purposely entered their world by making a knowledgeable comment about their culture.

We should not be surprised by the varied responses Paul received. Some skeptics sneered (verse 32). Others said, quite politely, “We will hear you again about this” (verse 32). Significantly—and this is the most important part of the discussion for Christians—as a result of the discussion a few believed (verse 34). This seemingly minor aspect of the narrative turns out to be critical in terms of expanded ministry and further opportunities to preach the Gospel.

Consider the following:

• Many in the church, both lay and clergy, avoid discussing controversial topics for fear of breaking relationships, and causing unnecessary conflict. We need to remember that agreement is not necessarily the goal. What we seek is mutual understanding. We do our best to separate the person from the issue. We do our best to set aside judgment. Our primary goal is not persuasion. This is not a win/lose situation. It is not a contest.

• Remember that when the tables are turned and we are sharing the Gospel, we want to make sure that the listener understands that we are sharing information, and that we are not obligating them. Our goal is to provide information—critical information—and, again, leave the persuading to the Holy Spirit where it belongs.

• Invite the other person to share first. Listen carefully and ask appropriate questions. Do not hesitate to ask for clarification. For example, communication can take the following form: “Here’s what I heard you say. Did I understand you correctly?”

• After listening, feel free to share your own thoughts. Encourage your listener to ask questions of you.

• There is no need to apologize for your views. Remember that success in this scenario is not that the other individual change their mind, but that you enable them to understand your point of view while maintaining the integrity of the relationship.

• Listen carefully and patiently. Feed back to the other person what you heard them say. That allows them to clarify or correct your understanding of the situation.

• Be sensitive to feelings and emotions. As the discussion progresses you will learn more about the other person—their beliefs, ideas, and attitudes. Their feelings are in a sense the “frame” containing the “picture” of what they are expressing. Tailor your conversation based on what you perceive.

• Be prepared to apologize should you cause confusion, or if it turns out that your opinion is misinformed.

• End the discussion by thanking the other person for sharing their thoughts, and be open to further discussion at a later date. If appropriate, close with prayer.

Engaging in respectful conversation is a learned skill. Like any other learned skill, it takes practice to perfect. All of us need to feel valued. We want to have a say. We want to be heard and understood. Our goal is to maintain respect and increase understanding of the others point of view, without endangering our own faith. What does this look like?

One Christian shares the following story:

I took a cab downtown and struck up a conversation with the cabdriver. I asked him where he was from. I asked whether there were many Muslim people there. He told me that the majority were Muslim. I asked a few questions about his faith which indicated to him that I had taken the time to learn some of the basics. He asked me how I came to know these things and I talked about the research I had done over the years. We talked about his faith and what it meant to him. We talked about Jesus being mentioned in the Qur’an. As I was leaving, he said, “Thanks for being interested in my religion.” I was disappointed that our conversation ended so soon.

Earlier, we mentioned that people of faith often respond to controversial issues by avoiding them or becoming defensive. These situations are actually opportunities not problems. The Holy Spirit is with us. With His help we can speak the truth in love. By His enabling we can speak gently and with respect. God’s Word will not return void; it will accomplish what He intends (Isaiah 55:11). We seek to live by our Saviour’s words: “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another” (John 13:34).

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Rev. Terry Defoe, pastor emeritus, is a member of New Beginnings Lutheran Church (Regina, SK). Dr. Garth Huber is a faculty member in the physics department at the University of Regina. Brian Wonnick is a former Development Officer with Lutheran Foundation Canada. Dr. Huber and Mr. Wonnick are both members of Good Shepherd Lutheran (Regina, SK).

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