The voice walking beside: Supporting those out in church

by Vic Esperanza

When I was first approached to write an article for those in our church who struggle with sexuality, I had to give it a little bit of thought and a lot of prayer. Partly because I knew I would be writing an article about real people, and not an impersonal overture for a synodical convention disqualifying homosexuals from ordination. But also because I’m not an expert with multiple degrees on this subject: I’m just a guy who happens to be friends with a lesbian, a woman who just happens to call me her pastor.

Almost four years ago a church friend confessed to me and my wife that she was gay. Her confession did not change our friendship. Nor did it change the way we viewed her in the context of church. It did, however, cause me to have a sleepless night or two as I wondered how to help and support her.

Unfortunately our synod had no resources which I could consult; a few simple Google searches revealed that Lutheran Church–Canada (LCC) had no pastoral care materials—just statements about the church’s position on gay marriage and ordination.

Thankfully I found a local Christian organization that ministered to people who struggle with a variety of relational issues. I made an appointment to consult one of the leaders there about how to best help my church friend.

At a meeting in his office, this ministry leader related a story about his own struggles with same-sex attraction. He was a Christian man who had been happily married for several years, yet still felt the desire to be with men. After years of resisting these urges, he finally gave in to a few secret ‘flings.’ His guilt consumed him until eventually, in remorse, he confessed his trysts to his pastor. At the end of his long and contrite confession his pastor responded, “I don’t know how to help you, but I’ll walk with you every step of the way.”

“I don’t know how to help you, but I’ll walk with you every step of the way.”

Over the years, this man was able to battle through many of his inner conflicts with the help of his wife and his pastor. And even though the conflicts became easier for him to deal with over time, he also recognized that he would be resisting same-sex attraction and urges for the rest of his life.

Today he is a leader in his organization, and he is able to help people with emotional and sexual issues by addressing the roots of these issues, and by equipping and preparing them with tools for their struggles.

In recounting his story in that tiny office, the man sitting across from me gave me a much deeper understanding of the struggles facing Christians struggling with same-sex attraction.

The need for human companionship is as old as the Garden of Eden. In Genesis 2:18, God recognized that even though Adam was in perfect communion with God, he was still lonely. So out of compassion for Adam’s loneliness, God created Eve to be his companion.

When Adam and Eve fell, the sin that entered our world broke everything. This includes our human sexuality and desire for companionship. Jesus gives us a glimpse into the extent of that brokenness in Matthew 5:27-29 (ESV):

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.

For many heterosexual people, a healthy and natural attraction to the opposite sex often crosses the line into sin with a mere thought. Many Christian men and women struggle with not crossing that line, and many of them fail. I can’t imagine what the spiritual and emotional struggle must be like for a Christian conflicted by same-sex attraction who must simultaneously live in an overwhelmingly heterosexual society.

Even though I never met the ministry leader’s pastor, his words will always stick with me: “I don’t know how to help you, but I’ll walk with you every step of the way.” That’s an attitude from which all members of LCC congregations—and all Christians for that matter—can learn.

This is not an invitation to be tolerant. Nor is it an invitation to approve. It is, however, an invitation to have compassion for those struggling with same-sex attractions, and to walk with them “every step of the way” on their journey.

Too many Christians decide that they’d rather help homosexuals by teaching them about Bible passages that condemn homosexuality. This is often done under the pretense of love and concern for their eternal well-being. They somehow believe that ‘educating’ homosexuals in God’s Word will ‘fix’ their problems, and that any rejection of such education absolves the teacher of any further responsibility in the matter. The truth is that these Christians are doing plenty of harm and virtually no good. They don’t realize that many homosexuals have already beaten themselves up mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even spiritually over their same-sex attractions. This kind of teaching is Law-driven. And ‘driven’ is the key word; it drives a lot of abject souls away from the cross.

Compassion starts at the cross of Jesus.

Compassion starts at the cross of Jesus. Gathered at the foot of the cross it is evident that God’s compassion for all people in this world is incredibly deep—deep enough that He gave his Son to hang on that cross in our place.

At the foot of that same cross you will find people struggling with all kinds of things—lust, alcohol, anger, lying, drugs, porn, and gossip, to name a few weaknesses. Just like that ministry leader with whom I met, many of those people will struggle with their vices for the rest of their lives. It’s a pretty safe bet that we’ll also find people struggling with same-sex attraction at the foot of that cross. They don’t stand any further from the cross than anyone else. They stand shoulder to shoulder with all of us sinners who come to find God’s forgiveness and grace there.

No one who stands at the foot of that cross needs a self-appointed educator to point out their weaknesses and shortcomings. They need someone who can show them love and compassion in their struggles, and yet speak words of honesty and truth to them when it looks like they are going to fall.

May God give our synod and churches the grace to demonstrate this kind of compassion, love, and understanding to a very marginalized population of our church body.

 Rev. Vic Esperanza is pastor of Christ the King Lutheran Church and Olive Branch mission in Edmonton, Alberta.

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